Chapter One, Monsters Don't Always Look Like Monsters

Chapter One

It all started like most love stories start. Total infatuation, dream come true, in short, a fairy tale. However, this fairy tale had a different ending. I won’t call it happy or sad. I am still trying to figure it out.

On July 10, 2000, I met the love of my life. I met a man who was charming, caring, loving, but most of all attentive. I met Mr Harm at a dinner party that I did not want to attend, but was forced to by the constant nagging of my older sister and mother. Sitting at that table listening to this girl, by my side, babbling about that man on that same table and how he could not take his eyes off of her. I was bored beyond belief! I take a look at that man she was talking about. Our eyes meet, he smiles, and… No! You did not guess. I hated him, and believe me that is an understatement. How dare he smile at me? This girl is all over him and he is flirting with me? Little did I know at the time that from then on, this is how my life was going to be.

I get up to talk to my sisters who were seated next to him with some common friends and the first words that come out of his mouth are:” Have we met before? Oh, wait, now I remember. Was it on CNN? No, of course not. It was on Fashion TV?” Can you imagine me rolling my eyes??? Is that guy serious? I smile politely and walk over to talk to my sister. She is with a relative of his. She tries to introduce me to Mr Right, but I could not be bothered. I walk away.

My only regret, as I am writing this, is that I did not run for the hills on that unfortunate day. A few hours later, I find myself seated next to Mr Right and wooed by his charm. We exchange phone numbers and call it a night. At the time I met my future ex-husband, I was dating a sweet guy who was from a different religion, but given that I am a Lebanese from a certain sect where you are only allowed to get married from the same sect (otherwise they would be shunned from that community!), I dump the sweet man and decide to give Mr Harm a chance. He calls the following morning and we decide to meet for coffee at a restaurant in Downtown Beirut on a Friday. Surprisingly, before our date, I find Mr Harm waiting for me in front of my PS 201 class, uninvited. At the time I thought that was so romantic. No one has ever treated me this way. What my nineteen-year-old brain did not realize, back then, is that this is typical narcissistic personality disorder behavior. Welcome to the love-bombing stage! A stage where I will be aggressively pursued and charmed in ways that would melt my heart.

Friday came and I was half an hour late for our date. Not surprisingly, Mr Harm was still there waiting for me with his magnetic charm and his killer smile. I got really wet that day. Again, not what you’re thinking! He spilled water on me, we had a good laugh about it and from then on I was in heaven, or what I thought was. Mr Harm was super affectionate and attentive to my every need. He was showering me with gifts, flowers, and romantic lunches and dinners.

Almost a month after I met Mr Harm, I get a phone call from him informing me that he is not good enough for me. That I should not settle for him. That I come from a wealthy family and that all he has to offer are his debts and eternal love. I ask him to come over so we can discuss the issue as this is not a topic for a phone conversation. When he reaches, I learn that his old girlfriend who he left three months before meeting me (so he claimed) and that he stayed with for five years but could not bring himself to marry, has called him and told him I am a snobbish girl, born to a wealthy family and that he can never make me happy.  We talk for two hours and I finally manage to convince him that I am not high maintenance. That despite my father’s wealth, I and my sisters always had to earn our pocket money. We had to work for it.

The courting period was surreal; hand holding, hours talking over the phone. He would tell me that I was his soulmate and I enjoyed being romanced. It was a little bit of a whirlwind where he had pulled me into where I couldn't go backward. I was so convinced that he was the real thing. the way he treated me, the way he looked into my eyes and the way he listened were all out of this world. I was flattered by his attention: I wanted to get to know him. 

What Mr Harm was doing at the time is called: triangulation. This is passive-aggressive or if you want a covert form of manipulation. One of many tactics NPDs will use on you is to make you feel jealous of people, places, and things that under normal circumstances you wouldn’t even consider. It is a strategy like many others they will use on you that will infiltrate in your relationship over time without you noticing it or feeling it. A narcissist would purposely inflict this on you to make you feel suspicious, insecure, and anxious about everyone and everything.

My most memorable date with him was Christmas 2000. By then we were engaged. I don’t know how that happened. He did not propose. I just ended up with a ring on my finger. Going back to that unforgettable date which coincides with my birthday, (Yes, I was born on Christmas day 1980) my mom wakes me up early at 8.00 am. I found that weird as she never wakes me up on holidays or weekends. She knew better than that.

I was surprised. Not only did she wake me up early, but she also said she wanted to spend some time with me. My mom wants to spend time with me??? DING DING DING! Apparently, I am deaf. I get up and shower. I open the bathroom door and what do I find there? a huge basket of red roses. Mr Right had planned this with my mother. Before I figured out that these were from him, Prince Charming was standing with his killer smile and arms wide open. I was beyond happy. That day we went Christmas shopping under the rain. It was so romantic. Did I mention that I love rain and walks in the rain? Yes, I am a hopeless romantic!

Love bombing is not as nice as it sounds. During that phase of a narcissistic relationship, the constant love and attention you receive and feel can sweep any person off her feet. You can be the most self-assured and confident person on earth, but once you’ve been loved bombed by a narcissist, you become vulnerable. It is basically used to speed up the birth and growth of feelings within you. This is done when they create an intense atmosphere of affection and adoration. This way you are completely disarmed and you let your guards down forgetting to question the direction and speed at which the relationship is going. It is a mixture of confusion, flattery, dependency, sprinkled with destiny that you are undergoing.

To be continued...