Chapter 12- part 2

Mr Harm eventually leaves to Dubai before me. He keeps calling me and telling me how tired he was house hunting. He also tells me, repeatedly, about this woman Casandra who is helping him find a house for us. Who is Casandra? Why is she helping Mr Harm? Why can’t he wait for me to come back so we can search together? After all, this is going to be our home. Mr Harm eventually convinces me that he is doing that so I can come and relax and not go through the hassle of moving houses.

When I come back to Dubai, Mr Harm had already found us a place to live in and moved all our stuff. This was the first time he did a nice thing for me. I finally meet Casandra. I was wrong, she is his best friend’s girlfriend. I feel horrible. I misjudged him, again. Why can’t I trust this man? What is wrong with me? Self-doubt is creeping back and there’s no stopping it.
I start work before he does and end up leaving our little ray of sunshine with him as we did not hire a baby sitter, yet. How I wish I didn’t!  I come back home and as soon as I put the keys in the door, I hear Celeste crying her eyes out, him screaming and slamming on something only for my baby girl to cry harder. I rush in and what do I see? He is towering above Celeste, screaming at her,  asking her what is wrong with her, and slamming on the baby chair she was in. I could not believe what I was seeing in front of my eyes. I am mistaken. This is not happening.
I run towards him and grab my daughter. She is red in the face. He looks at me and says “your stupid daughter did not stop crying all day long. How can I work from home when this is all she does? Make her stop.”
My daughter is sobbing in my arms. I take her to her bedroom and lock the door behind us. After I manage to calm her down, it turned out she only needed a diaper change. After that incident, I enrol Celeste at a nursery close to the school where I work. I cannot trust Mr Harm with her. 

By the time Celeste is five months old, Abdima decides to visit for another inspection. I keep Celeste under my watchful eye at all times. Am too scared that they might take her away from me. I remember whispering in my daughter’s ears every morning and night “I love you with all my heart. No one will ever take you away from me.” Somehow I knew that something was wrong, but still, I could not put my finger on it. It was all distorted by that time. One day I was treated like his wife and I had it all and for weeks after, sometimes months, I was discarded and forgotten about except for my duties in bed. I keep thinking to myself, if I only change, if I can fix this or that, or if I try harder, I will probably get a taste of love. I did not realize back then that I was being stripped bit by bit from myself, my former self.

By now, am pretty sure, you are thinking that I am stupid and that I had it coming. Anyone who is half as smart as I am would have left. The best way to explain my state of being at the time is to compare the narcissist to a terrorist.  Am not talking ISIS or Al Qaeda or any of the like; although, if I should be honest he would be hired by them in a heartbeat.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very confusing. It’s like riding a rollercoaster; one day you are loved wholeheartedly and the next you are hating your guts, feeling worthless. The reason behind this confusion is that the narcissist is good at timing those small drug doses of love. He is fully aware of when you are barely hanging on that you need to be lifted and when you are comfortable enough that they can continue to abuse you. On the other hand, you are left thinking, during the up moments, that he is back to himself, that you can overcome those problems. Beware! This little taste of heaven you were given can only be followed by torture, abuse, pain, and feelings of worthlessness.