Chapter 22- Part 2

Saturday came and Mr Harm was in a very bad mood. He did not want to go, but as I had insisted, he followed me. We reached Dr Smith's office at 9.00 am and she was there waiting for us. Of course, Mr Harm pulled out all the charm he had to try to fool her, but luckily she could see through it all. We sat down on a couch in front of her and she began asking Mr Harm a series of questions:

            "How old are you?"

            "I am 45 years old, but still, look young. No?"

            "Oh, yes. Do you have any siblings?"

            "Yes, I have a sister."

            "How old is she?"

            "She is two years younger than me."

            "I see. How about your mother, father?"

            "Well, my mother is still alive, but my father died when I was twenty-five."

            "I am sorry for your loss. What was the cause of death?"

            "He was suffering from an ulcer, heart problems and diabetes."

            "How was the relationship between your parents?"

            "Well, they used to fight a lot. My father was not an easy man to be around. He was not working due to his illness and my mother had to pull us through. She was miserable and he was careless."

            "Do you really think that your father was careless and happy?"

            "Yes, of course. He was sitting at home doing nothing, while my mother had to work. Even when he was in Saudi she had to be alone in Lebanon and take care of us during the war. My mother aged before her time."

            "Don’t you think that since your father was suffering from an ulcer that he was unhappy?"

            "No, I never thought about it this way."

            "Well, tell me what brings you both here today?"

            "I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her? She is the one who is miserable and thinks that our marriage is not working. She asked me for a separation. Can you believe her? I work all week long and travel to Saudi while she is in Dubai living in a five-bedroom villa, driving a fancy car and what do I get for it? 'I want a separation.' Can you believe her?"

            "Lavenda, why did you ask for a separation?"

            I was scared. I did not know what to say. Was it safe to say what I really thought? Dr Smith smiled at me and told me that I should not be scared and should say exactly what I thought in order for her to be able to help. I took a shot.

            "Well, you see, he is constantly away from home and even when he is in Dubai, we never talk, we have no common interests."

            "That is not true!" interrupted Mr Harm angrily. "I am working like a donkey in Saudi in the middle of the desert, in the middle of nowhere, while you are sitting in your fancy house. You call that fair? What is a man supposed to do to get a bit of appreciation?

            "Sir, it is Lavenda’s turn to talk. Let us hear what she has to say first."

            I continued. "You see, I just want you to be present with us when you are in Dubai. I know that you are working hard to provide for us, but I do not care about the house or the car or all of it. I did not get married for that. All I want is you. I just want to enjoy us as a couple. Whenever you are here, you are edgy and angry. It seems that nothing the kids and I do can make you happy. I always tell you that I wish I could put a smile on your face."

            "What do you expect from me? I am working hard. I need to come and relax and not have to take care of anyone when I am here. I am taking care of your needs all week long. I deserve a break when I am here."

            Dr Smith interrupted us and looked at Mr Harm. She points out to him that the only thing he was talking about was himself. He was constantly using the pronoun “I.” She even said to him that when she asked about his sister's age, he did not give it to her, he told her that she was two years younger than him. Mr Harm stood up, furious and started shouting.

            "Are you correcting my grammar? Excuse me if my English is not as good as yours. This is ridiculous. I do not even know why am here."

            Dr Smith eventually succeeded at calming him down and proceeded to ask us more general questions. By the end of our appointment, Mr Harm was fuming. For the first time, I understood what was going on. We left her office and got in the car. There Mr Harm looked me straight in the eyes and said: “If you try to leave me, I will make sure I lock you in a room until you rot to death. No one will ever find out where you are.”

            I look at him and smiled. “Do you think by threatening me you will gain me back? You are missing the point. Just listen to me.” He would not hear any of it. In the car, he agreed to divorce and promised that it would be quick with no hassle. He dropped me home and left. What was I feeling? Could I believe him? Could it be that easy?
            Two hours later, Mr Harm was standing in front of me with flowers in his hand, apologizing. The last thing I wanted was for him to go back on his word. It was too good to be true, I knew deep inside. His apology came in the form of a covert threat that I did not recognize at first. Mr Harm told me that had he been courageous, he would have killed himself. It was as if he was confessing to me. He even kept telling me that he knows that he is self-destructive.

            “I am ready to destroy you and everything around you if we stay together. I did so with my previous employers and I am ready to do it to you, too. Lavenda, you should know by now that I will destroy anything that scratches my ego. I cannot act anymore. You are not worth it. I will never change if that’s what you are expecting. You are changing, Lavenda, and I am losing my control. Everybody can see how good you are and that makes me jealous because then I have to compete with you and I cannot.”

            I was in awe. Did I hear him right? Did he really say those things? Why would you compete with your wife? Why would you want to control me? What was going on? I was left a mess of confusion. I could not reply to him. I just stood there and took it all. Then, he softened up a little and asked me to schedule a second appointment for the following week with Dr Smith.

            The following week Mr Harm was in Saudi. It was a quiet week; however, he was calling me more often, sending me 'love' messages and trying to win my love back. When I informed my colleague Richard about what happened, he advised me to go see Dr Smith and discuss the joint session with her. I agreed and scheduled another appointment.

What was happening was the ‘Hoover Maneuver.’ This is a tactic used by narcissists to regain power and control over their supply. A narcissist is testing the grounds to see if his victim can be conned into another cycle of abuse. He needs to regain his sense of power and control by inflicting emotional pain on his prey.

            That third appointment was an eye-opener. Dr Smith proceeded to inform me that Mr Harm was a narcissist. I did not know what a narcissist was, except for the Greek guy who was in love with his own reflection. Dr Smith tried to put it for me the best way she could.

            “You married a con artist. Your married life is based on a lie. Do not blame yourself for staying that long, although I do not know how you did it. Most victims of narcissists last for five years, tops, and those who stay longer end up either killing themselves, in a mental institution or killing the narcissist. What kept you in this marriage is the fact that he was providing you with financial stability. Please remember it is not your fault. He just tricked you into feeling an overwhelmingly strong attachment during the love bombing stage. Any empath would have fallen in that trap.”

            I could not understand what she was saying. Narcissist? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Mental institution? Murder? She advised me to research Narcissistic Personality Disorder and to read a book called 'In Sheep’s Clothing' by Dr Georges K. Simon. This book helped me a lot. It explained what was going on in a narcissist’s head. My research, too, brought a lot of new information that opened my eyes to what was going on. To be honest, that book and the research helped me understand my situation, but they also brought new fears. The narcissist was, after all, what I was trying to deny all along: a psychopath.

Narcissists can be charming beasts. If they agree to go to therapy with you or even suggest it, it is just because it amuses them. They’re just fooling with you. They are making you believe that you are in charge, giving you hope that things are going to get better, before crushing your spirit again. They will pretend to be supportive and take the therapist’s advice. They might even go the extra mile and fake ‘real’ remorse, makeup stories about their difficult childhood, and top it off with the pretence that they are dedicated to make things better with you. Beware! This is only to lull you into a false sense of security. They will probably change for the better (for a little while), to give you the impression that they are sincere about change and that they want to be the partner you deserve. As soon as you let your guard down, their mask will fall (again) and they will go back to their old habits. To a narcissist, you exist only for their benefit and at their convenience. Thus they will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Keep in mind that narcissistic individuals regard therapy sessions as a competitive sport. They feel that the therapist is useless; that they are more knowledgeable than the therapist and that there is nothing they can do to help this relationship. After all, they are not the problem. You are.